Here I am four weeks later and not one bit less scared than I was when I started this. I left the comfort and stability of a steady paycheck for the probability of getting remote work while studying. I used to say I can operate on ambiguity but I didn’t say how much I hated it. I hate not being sure that tomorrow will be okay, that things will sort itself out. That never happens. I hate depending on fate. I hate not being in control of my future. I fucking hate bahala na— I grew up with this. It’s my parents’ mantra. I love them to pieces but by gods, it makes me scared that I’ll turn into them.
Every day without work, without a pay check, without a positive response from employers, is fraught with anxiety. Anxiety I try to bury by being busy with academics. It’s so funny how I’m in school again to better my resume but no employer seems to find it impressive at the moment. People would ask how I’m doing at school and I’m too glad to say it’s great. Because it is. I’m enjoying the classes even when I have to study in advance to keep up. But all too soon I get reminded of the mounting bills and my inability again to pay up.
This was one of the reasons I left school to work full time: so that I can take control and never be in debt again. Gods, why did I do this to myself again? I’m back to square one after nine years– only with better teeth and poorer eyesight. It seems my near-sightedness extends to my decision-making and my future.
I don’t need saving. I need work. And cash. Soon. Now.
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bunny teeth no more 