That Thing Called “Valentines ba? Leche. Ulol”.

Nanood kaming That Thing Called Tadhana kanina. Right before Valentines Day. Kasama ko yung favorite gay guy ko. Oo, may disclaimer na hindi romantic interest kasama ko on the eve of Valentines. Paglabas ko ng sinehan, andaming tao sa mall. Yung iba may dalang bulaklak. Gusto ko harangin, tas ihampas yung bulaklak sa mga mukha nila hanggang malanta.

 

Ampalaya ba? Hah. Pwede namang masamang tao lang talaga ko. Last year ang gusto ko gawin, patirin yung mga may dalang bulaklak on Valentines.

 

Anyhow, umiyak ako sa movie house. Walang bago dun. Jologs ako eh. Nagustuhan ko yung short story. About the arrow and the heart. SIge, ako yung arrow. Kasi wala naman daw akong puso. Chos. Kung di mo gets yung context, panoorin mo. Di mababawasan pagkatao mo.

 

Daming tumawa sa sinehan nung sinabi ni Mace dun sa taxi lane na,”Magbe-break din kayo” dun sa couple na pinauna nila ni Anthony. Natawa din ako. Pero secretly winish ko din yun. Magbe-break din kayo. Para akin ka na lang. Kelan kaya? Char. Oo na, masama talaga kong tao. Di ko kinakaila.

 

Towards the end of the movie, di inexpect ni Mace yung dinatnan nya pag uwi. Pero at that point, as a viewer, di mo na yun gugustuhin for her. Kasi may promising future na eh. Marerealize mo na minsan, di mo din pala alam gagawin mo kapag binigay sayo yung secretly gusto mo naman mangyari. Kahit na ang press release mo ay, “Gusto ko na makalimot”.

 

Pero ang totoong tumagos ay yung campaign nila Anthony at Mace. “Wag mo iasa sa tadhana. Kung mahal mo, habulin mo. Hilahin mo pabalik sayo. Gawin mo lahat.” Or something to that effect. Pero mahirap. Alam nyo yan.

 

Bet ko yung ending. Nung short story. “There was no reply. None needed.” O di ba, gulo ko magkwento. Pero kung napanood mo, kahit pira pirasong quotes na binigay ko, magegets mo. Ang ganda eh. Kasi it speaks of a future na handa magrisk uli. It speaks of the effort it takes para magmahal uli. (Wow.)

 

Di ko alam kung anung mas mahirap. Yung lumayo at kalimutan na lang. Or to open yourself up again for love.

 

Ang arte ko di ba. Naiisip ko pa tong mga to. Burgis.

images
Pucha. Nakakainip yon. Gusto ko na lang magpa-Lacuna Inc.

 

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That Thing Called “Valentines ba? Leche. Ulol”.

Day 06: New Meanings

Hypocrisy (n.) For every day that I congratulate myself for not texting you, I only seem to miss you more.

Numb (adj.) A desired state of emotion when I would not feel anything. Not after seeing your name. Not after seeing you in the flesh– seemingly unaffected; Not after surviving a day without talking to you.

Forget (v.) The whole fucking point of this exercise is to erase you from my mind.

Purge (v.) To begin cleansing my memories of everything I ever liked about you and to teach my mind that you’re gone. Completely. Irrevocably.

Cry (v.) Something I don’t allow myself. Not when it comes to you. I don’t deserve your time. Why should you deserve my despair?

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Day 06: New Meanings

How I Knew

You are not in love. Not when you remain unaffected by the distance she requires and keep imposing.

You are not in love. Not while you can’t give her your best. Your weekends. Your worst. Your fears.

You are not in love. Not when your heart stays whole after the silence. After the coldness.

You are not in love. Not when you can keep it a secret and shut up about how you feel.

You are not in love. Not when you don’t move heaven and earth to be with her. Not when you don’t muster up the courage  to follow her to the ends of the earth.

You are not in love. Not when you can let a day go by without talking to her. Not when you’re okay that you haven’t touched her.

You are not in love. Not when it doesn’t move you. Not when it doesn’t compel you to do something about it and fight for what you want.
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How I Knew

It Does Not Matter

“What do you want?”

“Nothing. I just want to be able to talk to you and hang out.”

“What do you want?”

“You.”

                                                                               “What do you want?”

                                   “Why? Would you be able to give me what I want?”

“What do you want?”

“Start next month..”

                                                                      “What do you want?”

“I want you to choose me. But it’s never gonna happen. So I’m walking away.”

**

It Does Not Matter

The Benefits of Pushing People Away

1. What better way to insulate yourself from getting hurt than walking away first?

2. You get a clearer picture on who would fight to stay and who would let you walk away.

3.  The luxury to practice ambivalence.

4. They’re too good for you and they deserve better than the flighty, blubbering mess that you are– never ready to fully risk it and backing out at the slightest hint of pain.

5. You eliminate the chance of them trampling all over you.

6. It’s only fair because you’re less than deserving of their affection.

7. It is easier to push them away than let them in.

8. You ultimately die alone.

**

 

 

The Benefits of Pushing People Away

Asymptotes

You were ready to risk it, I wasn’t.
When I decided I might be ready, you weren’t there anymore.

I once said that timing is a bitch. I just didn’t expect for it to come true twice.

But maybe we both just want things we can never have. The lure of getting your hands on something so coveted.

Don’t you fear that it’s not what you thought you wanted after all? Don’t I fear that the novelty wears off soon enough?

If this is me over thinking again, I will find solace in that you will never know and might deign to distract myself until I erase you from my mind.

**

Asymptotes

3 AM and running scared.

This is gonna prove to be a challenge. Because I want this off my chest but in the most ambiguous way possible.

You would think that emotionally unavailable people have some deep-seated reason why they build such walls. A past hurt, a disappointment, several heart breaks or just plain disillusion. If I admit to being emotionally unavailable, I cannot claim to have been wounded to warrant a tight defense. Because nothing has happened yet and no one has been able to come close enough to inflict hurt, thereby prompting walls to be built. But it’s there and I’m wont to marvel how William Goldman could have written about me at a time where my parents haven’t even met yet when he penned Princess Bride (1973).

How accurate.
How accurate.

 

This Sunday, I have gone to lunch and coffee with my friend, A, whom I haven’t seen in months and I told her what has been bothering me for weeks now. I knew that I would have to somehow repeat telling the same story to my best friend, M (due to arrive after lunch) and the thought of it exhausted me. I found it tiring that I have to start from the beginning. I guess that is how one feels when you already know what to do but you still have not done something– anything– about it. And delaying that action may cost me what precious emotions I have inadvertently invested.

After telling my friends what has come to pass in the time that we haven’t seen each other, they were both happy that in some way, I have let my guard down (some of it, anyway) but they also warned me that if I will deem to this, it should be with someone who can give me a hundred percent and to never settle for anything less.

Where am I going with this? Nowhere. I already know that. I just have to decide to walk away completely. Because even when I haven’t been hurt in this predicament yet, I refuse to hurt someone else in order to be happy. It’s not a matter of being idealistic nor being morally upstanding. I’m morally grey at best but, I strongly perceive that any happiness gained at someone else’s expense is short-lived.

Yes, I may be taking the high road here, but  I deserve better. And to take all that I can get. I’m usually averse to this feeling of entitlement but the danger lies in settling for the mediocre, on being the second choice, the leftovers– just because I feel that I might never find someone who would still like me, flawed and all.

I have long ago promised myself to never settle for second best. I have waited this long. Certainly not for something that could only ruin me in the end.

So let me try radio silence and see where it takes me

 

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3 AM and running scared.