This is gonna prove to be a challenge. Because I want this off my chest but in the most ambiguous way possible.
You would think that emotionally unavailable people have some deep-seated reason why they build such walls. A past hurt, a disappointment, several heart breaks or just plain disillusion. If I admit to being emotionally unavailable, I cannot claim to have been wounded to warrant a tight defense. Because nothing has happened yet and no one has been able to come close enough to inflict hurt, thereby prompting walls to be built. But it’s there and I’m wont to marvel how William Goldman could have written about me at a time where my parents haven’t even met yet when he penned Princess Bride (1973).
This Sunday, I have gone to lunch and coffee with my friend, A, whom I haven’t seen in months and I told her what has been bothering me for weeks now. I knew that I would have to somehow repeat telling the same story to my best friend, M (due to arrive after lunch) and the thought of it exhausted me. I found it tiring that I have to start from the beginning. I guess that is how one feels when you already know what to do but you still have not done something– anything– about it. And delaying that action may cost me what precious emotions I have inadvertently invested.
After telling my friends what has come to pass in the time that we haven’t seen each other, they were both happy that in some way, I have let my guard down (some of it, anyway) but they also warned me that if I will deem to this, it should be with someone who can give me a hundred percent and to never settle for anything less.
Where am I going with this? Nowhere. I already know that. I just have to decide to walk away completely. Because even when I haven’t been hurt in this predicament yet, I refuse to hurt someone else in order to be happy. It’s not a matter of being idealistic nor being morally upstanding. I’m morally grey at best but, I strongly perceive that any happiness gained at someone else’s expense is short-lived.
Yes, I may be taking the high road here, but I deserve better. And to take all that I can get. I’m usually averse to this feeling of entitlement but the danger lies in settling for the mediocre, on being the second choice, the leftovers– just because I feel that I might never find someone who would still like me, flawed and all.
I have long ago promised myself to never settle for second best. I have waited this long. Certainly not for something that could only ruin me in the end.
So let me try radio silence and see where it takes me