Around this time last year, I went in with only one resolution. I was gonna stop fooling around with the person I wasn’t supposed to be with. It took a couple more months of relapse but I did find the guts to end it and the backbone to stick with my decision.
They said time heals– so did beaches, friends, writing, work, and the discipline to remind myself that I deserved better.
Poetry helped. Fiction helped. Music helped. Going to beach every weekend helped. Anything I could get my hands on, I grabbed with two hands outstretched, and held on to them for dear life. I didn’t hit rock bottom but gads, I could have saved myself the trouble in 2014, when I knew going in, that it wasn’t going to last and if it did, it wasn’t going to end well.
Halfway into the year, I realized that I wasn’t going to let it define my year nor myself. I became busy with furthering my career bit by bit, I allowed myself to let new people in and to take things as they come. In the pursuit of rebuilding what was left of my self esteem– whatever pieces that were inadvertently broken by that ordeal– I did not notice that I was less obsessed with being happy. I was too occupied with keeping it together every day to even think how, when, and where I’ll find happiness again. By the time I was okay and mended, the previous concept of happiness was obsolete and that there were better ways to fill my time than think about what could have happened if I fought harder.
2015 brought me new people and I am surprised how quickly some people become important to you but more astounding is how people can come to care about you when you permit yourself to open up and let them in. I used to say that I only have four friends and have no room for other people. Well. People do change and the best thing about it is that it can happen while everyone and no one is paying attention; that I don’t need to prove anything to anyone but myself.
So now, I have 11 friends. Kidding. Let’s not get too crazy. 8 is more like it. Lol
2 of 366.
Coming in hot, 2016! Literally sweating because, oh my gad, global warming. I have vague plans of traveling and that’s okay. If anything, 2015 improved my spontaneity and took me places I have already been to and places I’ve never been.
There is only one thing solid that I know I have to work on: to put effort in my friendships. I like low maintenance friendships. But it doesn’t mean I’ll put zero effort in seeing what little friends I have.
Concrete Plans? Maybe?
I’ll see you this year.
Kafka Part II. A little bit of Kundera.
The next time you ask me how I am, I won’t say: same old, same old. Because I am not. I changed subtly, irrevocably and is still changing. So happiness? That concept changes everytime I do. Like that old cliché: it really isn’t a fucking destination. It might be an illusion, a social construct, an ephemeral thing only given to the sons of gods but I wouldn’t think about it too much. The pressure will kill you, believe me.
A new leaf and the promise that everything will be better appeals to all of us– it’s an inevitable effect of the New Year. I promise you though, that if you want to change anything in your life, you don’t have to wait for a New Year, for anything, for anyone. It will only take you and everything you’ve got.
Featured Image: TaylorSwiftVevo, Youtube