I’ve become so rusty. It comes from months and months of keeping my thoughts inside my head, thinking that I’ll write about it someday when I get the chance.
Just when I have the means to write regularly, I can’t think of anything to write. But that’s a ruse. Because in my struggle to think of a topic, I would start rambling and something will come up in the middle of it all (I hope).
So it’s a Saturday and I woke up wanting to go to a coffee shop, blog or read and just be. My mum went to my room, checked out my new bag and sat on my bed. I asked her to make fried eggs and toast the baguette. It was a sumptuous breakfast and being the kind of person who skips meals, I appreciate the goodness of food when I can. My friend, Franze, invited me to go out, but while I was still debating if I am up for it, it rained so hard that F was the first to back out.
I stayed home, read a bit of Elizabeth Buchan’s Everything She Thought She Wanted and surfed the net. I’m not even halfway done with the book and I think I’m scared of marriage, scared of losing myself in the process of building a family. I know that a lot of women are unhappy with their marriages and though I always thought that if I ever had to choose, I’d leave at first light instead of suffering in silence, I guess, some people are determined to see it through and stick. And I can’t say for sure that I’d flee instead of fighting for it. Theories are only so good until you try to apply them and you see that nothing is ever at its optimum condition. That’s what scares me the most. That I might stick and suffer in silence and become a lump of misery and despair.
I have hope yet that the plot is bound to turn around and teach me something in the process and that somewhere in the distant future, I need not be afraid to commit. And I do not want to dwell on it right now. I don’t even want to read any Nora Roberts or Julia Quinn or Eloisa James books lest I get diddly-eyed romantic again. Maybe I’ll pick it up again when I’m not in this kind of mood.
Is it really the goal of human existence? Fall in love. Marry. Build a family. Procreate. Not necessarily in consecutive order and not necessarily all that is in the list. And at which point does it all go messy?
There is such a need for a tidy, organized life and only a boring few achieves that.
What am I even saying? I’m just bored witless and I have internet connection again. I love it.
Something did come up, huh? But I’m nowhere near coherent yet.
Maybe I should try drunk blogging? LOL