No manly tears, please.

I keep telling myself to move out of the rut I’m stuck in. But I come up with excuses when the opportunity to escape presents itself.

The past three weeks have been hideous and I can’t go into detail. But I was so burned out it’s a wonder my ashes haven’t reached your nostrils yet. I keep having the urge to spontaneously indulge in a crying jag. For no reason. For a lot of reasons. For everything that has happened and has not happened in my life.

But I didn’t. I challenged myself to blink back the tears. How the fuck does someone blink back the tears? To keep your eyes dry? I don’t know. Ask Nora Roberts. I keep reading that stunt in her novels. You know, when the heroine struggles with not tearing up so that she’ll look strong in front of everyone? Yeah, no idea how to do that but I seem to be getting good at it. What?

The tears must never escape. It will turn into diamonds and next thing you know the thugs are out to kidnap you and make you cry all the time.

Well, the key is to not let a teardrop escape. So when you know your throat is tightening and your eyes are watering, here’s what you need to do:

1. Drink.

Anything that will soothe your throat: sodas, juices, cold water. Don’t drink smoothies or hot chocolate for fuck’s sake! You’re trying to calm your nerves here. With something cool. Try not to choke.

2. Think of a funny scene from any of your favorite sitcoms.

And think really hard. The one that I found effective was Barney‘s numerous acts in How I Met Your Mother.

3. If it’s too late to stop your eyes from watering, drink tequila or any other alcoholic drink to make those tears fall.

At least you have an excuse. Bring out the salt and lemons!

4. If a teardrop already escaped, pretend to yawn

Works every time. That’s if you haven’t progressed to body-racking sobs yet.

5. Can’t contain it? Run to the bathroom or somewhere private.

At least you can even stomp your feet and make ugly faces.

6. Do not watch movies with famous tear jerker scenes

Do not watch Click, The Notebook, Titanic, 13 Going on 30  and any or all of those chick flicks. Or don’t watch a movie at all. By the time the credits roll, you’re one sniveling mess.

7. Cry in the middle of a pouring rain.

Who’d know the difference, right?

Even if tears aren’t a sign of weakness, it is difficult to explain the tears. Especially when your friends and family are around. Explaining it would sometimes make you cry harder.

 

Sometimes you have to try fixing it yourself first before you ask for help.

 

What am I saying?! Go find a shoulder to cry on and bring some alcohol too. Or you know, sleep it off.

 

 

Whatever you do, do not listen to me.

**

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