I didn’t publish a playlist this week. To be honest there was a lot that happened over the weekend and it has affected me more than I cared to admit to myself. What started as a weekend full of fun and catching up with friends ended up awkward, uncomfortable and bordering on nightmare-ish that I do not care to do any time soon. I used to be good at confrontation when I was younger. Bring it on, sucker, I can face ya! But now I’m all, I’ll get the seven hells away from here until it fades away. But the friends I hold dearest made me face someone I erased from my life. The scene wasn’t ugly, no scandalous meltdown, no eye contact even because I was in denial that my friends did this to me. I mean, I know our circle is tight but I was desperate to believe that I will survive years of not having to face such a situation and avoid that person even when we move in a small circle because I liked to believe that my friends would not interfere. I was wrong. After all, they are well-meaning people and I’m just an evil bitch who’s damn lucky to belong to such a group. It’s second nature to them to want to fix things when I clearly would not do anything to strike a reconciliation. Never mind who was right or wrong, they love us both so they want the friendship to be mended.
I was supposed to be touched, right? But I’m evil. So I felt betrayed and I tried my best not meet my estranged friend’s eye. I’m petty like that. I survived the day without talking to her even though our circle went through supper and coffee in good spirits after they gave up on forcing me to face her.
Forgiveness isn’t something you can force, rush, mandate, nor feign.
By Monday morning, I was hoarding good vibes through my favorite radio show albeit colds and cough that I’ve developed in the same weekend. I was chatting with my best friend, T, via BBM and the Sunday misadventure came up. She asked me if I have no plans of making up with the old friend and I ended up crying until I fell asleep. Turns out, crying only made my colds worse and by the time I have to get ready for work that night, my coughs and colds were full on and I felt a bit under the weather. The next day, I was really sick and I didn’t come to work. I can barely breathe from my alternately clogged and runny nose. The dry cough could rack me lungs something fierce. I watched reruns of How I Met Your Mother 7 and New Girl on cable and went to bed early. I did show up for work the next day but it was only for two hours as I filed for a voluntary time out as I needed more rest. While waiting for my VTO to be approved, I was reading on tv tropes on the internet about A Song of Ice and Fire. Boy, did I love it! It made me realize that this series appealed to me so much because it such a deconstruction of high fantasy that the cynic in me, appreciated all the other elements that made it the right mix of grey and gray morality, no central protagonist, almost all the elements of high fantasy in an averted or subverted way (i.e action girl, heroic archetype, heel face turn, magic) present, all the ugliness and complications of politics and warfare, and the many dimensions of human nature. It gave me reprieve that people have serious issues. I’m still consolidating mine.
I’m naturally mean, if I have to state it.
I’m on to the third book and I’m really trying to reconcile myself to the fact that nothing will ever be perfect and that I may never be a good person nor would I ever want to be one.
I used to be the person desperately seeking for closure. Who would’ve thought that I’d grow up a coward? Screw closure.