Today, another office mate jokingly declared that he had a crush on me. I dismissed it. Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t harsh or anything because he is kind-of-a-friend. I would usually get those kind of jape from my guy friends. Thank the gods that I wasn’t the gullible sort but sometimes I think this in-gullibility is bordering on the dense/cynic side.
It got me thinking though that I am not crushing on anyone now. Not counting celebrities and fictional men, I call this recurring phase, amoeba status. I coined this when I was in college and I was having this episode of not liking anyone in particular. Amoeba, because they are self-sufficient and can reproduce by themselves short of being a plant.. devoid of emotions or should I say above emotions. I wasn’t alone in this feat when I was 17 because my room-mate, A, was also an ‘amoeba’ at that point. I thought it’s a normal occurrence for women.
I mentioned that it’s a recurring phase. It really is.
I was crushing on Tamahome of Fushigi Yuugi for a whole year and can’t seem to find any human boy attractive. Until, 6th grade, I liked a family friend who keeps stalking my pretty friend. I got curious about him until I realized I liked him.
Sophomore Year, High School
I was through crushing on a boy who asked if he can court me; turned him down because my pseudo-friend, J, likes him. So much for ‘giving way to a friend’, it came to nothing as he didn’t seem to like J. I also got confused if I liked B, a friend whom everybody says we’d look like a cute couple if we were together. Then I realized, I only wanted him to like me but I didn’t really see him that way. I didn’t crush on anyone until I got infatuated in Third Year High School with E, my closest guy friend.
Sophomore Year, College
D, a fascinating, morally upright, funny and outrageously cute guy graduated from college and left me to crush on.. nobody. Anyhow, the church group I belong to said that we should focus on God and our studies and avoid a relationship best as we could. I heeded them. I did crush seriously on K, a church mate who became a close friend at the time. I didn’t know that he got involved with my friend, R, and that’s where all the shit happened after everyone found out.
2009- September 2011
I left UPLB in April 2009, thinking it would also be a chance to heal because 2008 was such a crappy year for me that broke my heart and some of my friendships. Work was a sweet escape and everything was shiny and new. Then, came the ‘dolphins’. As in gay sharks. Tons of cute guys.. but they’re all gay. Seriously. It went on for a long time until this recent flirtationship with J– a new hire who I immediately crushed on when I first saw him but he has a girlfriend. I got tired of it and even after he confessed, I didn’t find it in me to risk it. I didn’t like him anymore so what’s the point? Simultaneous with the flirtationship thing, I was ‘harassing’ an office mate whom we will call Joe. I was pulling ‘pub stints’ and declaring that I have a crush on him because he sings so well, which I discovered late in the span of time that I knew him. That was a harmless endeavor as he doesn’t talk to me.
I became attracted to another office mate, K. But I got turned off when he got drunk and rowdy, dancing with our gay friends during my bff’s birthday party where it was a fast lane to intoxication for everyone. I just didn’t like how he handled himself when he gets drunk. On a side note, he kissed my cheek and I don’t know why I didn’t like him after that.
December 2011- present
Still a farkin amoeba with a capital A. My other friends think it abnormal of me to not like anyone at all and that I need to start dating; that my standards for men are way too high, blah blah blah.
I’m still in the same company as I was back in 2009. Still lots of gay sharks, yes. No new prospects and the last time I seriously liked someone (2008), it hurt, after all the confusion and false hopes. I did not lose that guy because he was never mine to begin with. I haven’t lost anybody but I think I’m afraid to let anybody in. Or maybe I’m still too dense and cynic.
Well, a fellow blogger once said that “Single is in and that I should get a boyfriend when it goes out of style”.
When people ask me why I’m still single, I say ‘I don’t know’ because I really don’t and while there are lots of circumstances that led to this single life, I tell myself that next time I seriously like someone, I’m going to ask him out. Ha ha. Kidding aside, I usually answer with: “Maybe there’s something wrong with me”. That shuts them up. Most of the time. But I’m really not ready to explain in length what I just did here. Sometimes, I also say that I was ugly in my younger years, and that I only improved in appearance about a year ago and lastly, guys who profess to like me are either in a relationship or repulsive. So where to go?