So I haven’t really written anything the past week, about what’s happening in my head, except the brief description of my weekend in my Tuesday Playlists and a list of the things I obsess on located in Things I Like Thursday posts. Well, honestly, nothing much has been happening lately because the minute the clock strikes eight in the morning, my brain is on a fast lane to Grill City.
I have this irrational fear that because of the heat, my brain is indeed frying inside and deteriorating. I suspect, it’s why I don’t worry as much as I’m used to. Whenever I feel like worrying, my mind would automatically dismiss it and switch to daydreaming. So now, I’m not sure if it’s a new coping mechanism that my fried brain has developed or I’m just being paranoid over my not being paranoid. I might also be too busy trying to sleep in the middle of the day [because of my graveyard shift] which in itself is proving as a challenge as the sun is beating down the roof of our house and even the fan emits hot air. Installing AC is out of the question as you, dear reader, however incredible you are, aren’t the one who pays the bill. Every day is a struggle to sleep so I end up groggy at work and I sleep during my one- hour lunch and whenever I can snatch sleep in front of my computer. This is more tiring, I swear to the old gods. I can’t even utter, “Winter is coming”, because it looks like global warming has the cold winds by the balls. Fire and blood isn’t everything, Daenerys. Katniss did say that, fire is catching. And if we burn, you burn with us.
What I do know is that I waste too much time daydreaming and my head is far into the clouds that I do not do anything about my plans for my career. I’m stuck between wanting a day shift back office job and the early retirement plan. If it’s a struggle to sleep in day time, it’s even harder to get up in the evenings and face work where I take in calls for about eight hours. The dreamer in me, wants out. She wants a day job without having to talk to obnoxious yet needy callers. But the practical me, says, What’s another two years of misery in exchange of an early retirement plan? So the middle me is enclosed in a bubble of pseudo happiness and peace. Living in the moment, you know? Where the present requires me to constantly search for good vibes in the form of party songs, chick flicks, tv series, books, food and crazy friends, all the while my pits are dripping and my hair uncooperative because of this insane tropical heat. Otherwise, it is burnout and depression. And I’m a hedonist, more or less.
This photo reminds me of how grumpy I was that day, hours after this was taken. Last Saturday was when dysmenorrhea, exhaustion, my short fuse and the scorching weather decided to destroy me. But here I stand. I refuse to succumb to Stannis/Tywin-ness. It’s a sickness. It’s for people who refuse to know what joy feels like.
Since I’m so good at making lists, here’s another useless one.
Things That I Should Be Worrying About (But Still Haven’t Done Anything About It):
- my promotion ( I still haven’t applied/submitted documents expressing my intent)
- my bff, Mico’s impending resignation (I’m all alone in the office)
- how I react to clingy people (push them away)
- getting a diploma/finishing a degree (when?)
- my paranoia over everybody else’s cryptic tweet (Is it me? Is it not me?)
- my non-existent savings account
- and a lot more I can’t remember cause I’m daydreaming again. Of Sam Roxton and the way I end up fancying fictional characters because my reality doesn’t offer any fair game.
But I’m in my 20s and I don’t have to figure out everything right now. Except the Rubik’s, and uh, why George R.R. Martin kept killing off characters that you’ve grown to love. Valar Morghulis, my ass.